God is good.

This morning was just a normal morning at our house. Brady had just said prayers with us, and kissed us good-bye and I was feeding the girls breakfast. Milly was playing peek-a-boo with Emmy and they both were giggling and I felt so much joy! It was a blanket of joy surrounding my girls and I! Moments like this make me feel my Heavenly Fathers love for me! I snapped a picture of the joy on my children's faces. Hoping to make this moment of joy last forever through this picture. A thought came to my mind, I am surrounded by some of the most constantly happy spirits. My children are very happy kids! Milly is just like her Daddy. Loves to be active and LOVES to be surrounded by people! And the best is my husband is my hero of happiness! Heavenly Father has blessed me with these happy spirits because I am not always a happy person.
Something I deal with on a daily basis that I don't speak much about is the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety. (That's hard to say out loud) I have dealt with depression for awhile now. I first recognized it after I had Milly as "postpartum" The feelings I was having never went away though. I have been on and off medication for it for the last 3 years. I have a constant battle of not wanting to take something for this. I pray constantly to be able to be "happy" on my own. But the hardest thing for me to do is be the kind of mom I am with depression. My kids need a happy, motivated person to take care of them. On my "down days" I can barely meet their basic needs. (Another hard thing to say out loud) obviously feeding, changing diapers and naps are a MUST, but on these days we usually stay in our pj's all day, dishes don't get touch, by the end of the day it looks like a toy bomb exploded, I usually stay on the couch and turn on movies for them, rarely am I able to get down on the ground and play with them or read them books like I normally do! I love my children more then words can adequately describe but somedays I feel I don't deserve them.
It's so hard because I know what things will make me happy but there is this invisible wall that stops me from being able to do these things! If I get up early before my kids and shower get dressed and ready, and have a "semi" clean house and an organized day with places to go and things to do, then I'm better at fighting this battle. But most days I don't have things to do! My saving grace is when 5pm rolls around and this bright smiling handsome face comes walking in the door and picks up my slack! He knows exactly how to make everything better! I suddenly realized this morning that depression is my trial in this life. I will probably deal with this for most of life. Which is why God put Brady, Milly and Emmy in my life! They were placed in my journey to help me feel joy! God knows me and my struggles and I am thankful for this knowledge! He lives!


- Sarah

Please don't judge me by this post. This took a lot for me to post this! But this was a huge realization for me (life changing) and I needed to document it.